Two years ago I had a total nervous breakdown, a full-on quarter-life crisis, and not in the funny, high-pitched sitcom way, but the crying hysterically over nothing, utterly unable to sleep, eating valium for breakfast and alienating my loved ones kind of way. I hobbled on like this as long as I could, until one day I just stopped. Literally. I stood up from my sofa, had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to do, and even less how I would actually be able to do it, so I sat down again and I stayed there for 4 hours until my boyfriend came home and led me down the road to the Doctor's.
As is often the case, I didn't feel like I had any reason to be so very sad. I was in the middle of a challenging, yet prestigious graduate programme, teachfirst, they were paying for me to complete my Masters degree and I'd been offered a training contract with a big city law firm when I finished. This was it, I'd achieved everything I set out to do when I left university, plus become a qualified teacher along the way. I didn't deserve to wallow like this. What was wrong with me?
I'd been so very busy achieving what success looked like to me at 19, that I hadn't considered what it felt like at 26. When I did finally look up from all the stress and the endless work, I panicked mightily. I had a steady job, steady bf, same smart clothes, same take away every Friday and High Street on Saturday and, oh dear God, I was bored. So bored, and scared, and freaked out that I was wasting my twenties, wasting my life. I went OUT. I drank too much, smoked too much, flirted too hard. I was desperate in every sense of that word. I could hardly breathe. I threw myself in to all of it, chucking pieces of my existing life carelessly overboard and coming perilously close to losing everything, until one day I just couldn't get up off that sofa.
This blog is about getting up again, about rebuilding your life in a way that works for you. As anyone who's ever suffered from depression or anxiety will know, the wolf is always at the door, so this is an ongoing project. There'll be a bit of travel, a bit of music, fashion, baking, all the good 'lifestyle' elements, but the focus is on enjoying the ride, while not being a passenger in your own life. Ultimately I hope to show how I stopped feeling like my life was happening to me and made it work for me. Do come join the party!
